the following was written to help me deal with feelings that i had during a very hard time when i was 39 weeks along. i debated whether to post this or not. i have decided to post it to remind me of what i went through to get my baby here, and to get me through the next one whenever that will be.
dear body,
today i hate you. i find you inadequate and useless. i am pissed at you.
where do i begin? i have been having contractions since 11/17 at 9am. yes, as of now that is 54 hours. seriously? they have been regular, and sometimes strong. but, my MW says i am only a 3 and 60% effaced, but my cervix is right up front. she said most first time mom's would love to be in this position. well, i am not loving it. i am sick and tired. i am done. ready to throw in the towel. heck, at this point i don't give a crap about having a natural birth. at this point i would give anything to be put on pitocin to get things moving further along. it's not that i have a problem having contractions, in fact the exact opposite, i just have a problem with them progressing on their own. i don't even care how much pain i have to go through. i just want to be done and not have to sit around with contractions that don't progress. i feel like a failure. in the beginning i was so set in my ways. i wanted a midwife and a birth center and a water birth. i still want those things. but at my appointment yesterday my MW just told me where i was at and to be patient. i asked if i should go to a hospital or doctor to get future checks. she said the way i was then they would admit me, and then i would go through a lot of unpleasant things. well, to me that sounds fantastic. then i would be done. i might be exhausted and feel like i got hit by a freight train, but i would be done. and no, the marathon analogy isn't helpful. nothing anyone can say is helpful. i feel like i am alone, and no one understands what i am going through. i thought i would have my baby by now. every time my body goes into "pre/false labor" i think this might be it and i get my hopes up. it never is it, it's just nothing but a nuisance. one that is easier for other people to talk about and not so easy for me to go through. at this point i have lost all hope, and excitement. at this point i don't think i will go into "real" labor naturally, but that i will have to be induced. which i am ok with, except that my MW will make me wait and so i will have to go through this for a week or 2 more. i am already so depressed about this. how do they expect me to make it through a delivery if i am being beaten down already.
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